The scandalous and revolting hidden truths of the ball pits: Intimacy within the soft play zone.

One unidentified employee has revealed the shocking reality of the unclean conditions found in ball pits – ranging from condoms and urine to scandalous Saturday encounters.

Name: Indoor playgrounds.

Age: They were introduced by Rupert Oliver on Tomorrow’s World in the early 1970s.

Appearance: Similar to Caligula’s Rome, but with a higher price tag and more obnoxiousness.

The horror. Listen, buddy, you only know part of the story. Just because you spend seven Saturdays a year attempting to read a book in an ear-splitting echo chamber that looks like a burst Mr. Blobby, doesn’t make you an expert on indoor playgrounds.

But I am, and let me tell you, my life is the worst. Second worst, actually. Don’t forget, some people actually work at these places.

Goodness gracious. Yes, it’s true. While you may only endure the full-body trauma of an indoor playground for a couple of hours at a time, for others, it’s a full-time job.

Poor souls. Don’t be too saddened. They at least have the opportunity to share their stories with the press, just like one unnamed worker did with The Sun.

Let me guess, urinating in the ball pit? Oh, you sweet naïve soul, it’s apparently much worse than that. They found knives, condoms, and miniature liquor bottles in the ball pit. The informant shared horror tales of discovering dirty diapers and encrusted vomit in their center. And parents would occasionally show up to get drunk and abandon their children.

They can’t be that filthy, can they? Well, in 2019, American researchers identified 31 different strains of bacteria in ball pits, including Streptococcus oralis, Staphylococcus hominis, and the charmingly named Enterococcus faecalis.

We should all avoid indoor playgrounds immediately! Hold on, they’re not all terrible. First of all, pretty much everything kids touch is germ-infested anyway. Additionally, few places are as effective at fostering a child’s sense of independence and self-reliance. And let’s not forget about Sexy Saturdays.

Excuse me? Sexy Saturdays. According to the worker, it’s the day when moms dress up because they want to flirt with the dads who visit on weekends.

I highly doubt that’s a thing, but even if it is, it sounds incredibly depressing. Who are you to doubt an anonymous source from a tabloid? Besides, yes, it’s utterly bleak.

Well, my family is too good for indoor playgrounds anyways. We much prefer trampoline parks. Oh, you mean like the one in Chester that was so poorly maintained and supervised that 11 people broke their backs over a seven-week period in 2016 and 2017?

Yes, exactly. Well then. Regardless, don’t be afraid of indoor playgrounds. Not all centers are like that. And we’re living in a post-pandemic era. If we can survive a once-in-a-century health crisis, we can probably handle a little bit of urine on a plastic ball.

Do say: “Indoor playgrounds are just as filthy as you imagine.”

Don’t say: “Well, at least there might be some action.”

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