I have strong feelings for my boyfriend, but I imagine being with a woman.

I don’t want to jeopardize this relationship, but I’m bisexual and our sexual desires don’t align.

I have strong feelings for my boyfriend, but our intimate moments are dissatisfying and feel like a chore. I have only experienced orgasm with him once in the past 18 months, and it seems like our sexual desires are never in sync. However, my biggest dilemma is that I yearn to be with a woman. I have identified as bisexual for a long time, but this heterosexual relationship is the only one I have, and it’s quite serious. I don’t want to ruin it. At the same time, my desire to be with a woman is much stronger than my attraction to men, and I fantasize about spending my life with a woman. Although I can envision a future with him as well, the excitement is not nearly the same. We have communicated about our issues, but despite months of trying, nothing seems to change. We want to improve, but it feels as if we are physically incapable.

Some people in a similar situation as yours are able to negotiate the possibility of having another person in their primary relationship, although this can be extremely challenging for everyone involved. However, if this is not an option for you and your boyfriend, you need to make a decision about what you truly desire in the long term. It is evident that you are feeling restless and longing for a more fulfilling connection with someone, so what is preventing you from exploring other possibilities? Perhaps you value the stability of your current relationship more than your need to embrace your true sexual identity. However, I’m sure you realize that ignoring your authentic desires could lead to a life filled with regret and resentment. Seek ways to understand your genuine needs further and find the best way to satisfy them.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist based in the US who specializes in the treatment of sexual disorders.

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